Asterios Kokkinos' Journal

While browsing the forums for the amazing user driven web comic "MS Paint Adventures", I found the above drawing.

My question to you, the internet audience: was this drawn poorly as a joke, or was this the artists best attempt? Please show your work. Best answer gets a DVD of something sent to them in the mail from me! (What DVD? I don't know yet. But it will be good!)

A visit from his long lost half brother Count Chocula annoys the hell out of Count Dracula! Will he get the girl? (played by the HOT Emily Maya Mills) Also starring Chad Fogland as Dracula & Asterios Kokkinos as Chocula.

Click here & Digg "Dracula vs. Chocula"!

Recently, the radio show Two Jacks in the Hole sent me to the Hollywood Pitchfest with some hidden recording equipment.

The Hollywood Pitchfest is a two day event where aspiring screenwriters can pitch to industry executives through a series of five-minute meetings. Sounds great, right? Well, it only has three problems:

1) No executives actually show up (only interns and assistants).

2) The event costs $420 (in addition to the hundreds people spend to fly & stay in hotels. I met people from as far away as Massachusetts, Tennessee and Canada.)

3) None of these movies ever get made. Some films get optioned, some people find managers, but not one film has gone from the Hollywood Pitchfest to a theater near you.

I didn't know the extent of the scam at first - I was sent to pitch the worst movies of all time to executives to see if how they'd react. If they said films like "President Baby" were stupid and dismissed them, then I'd be wrong. If they just nodded and smiled, it'd tell me they were only interested in getting me out of there as quickly as possible so they could get back to the free lunch buffet.

The results were insane. Here's a clip. For more info on all this, you can visit www.presidentbaby.com. Please check it out and leave a comment in our feedback section!

Pitch 5 - Folds In Space Time, President Baby & Metal Man

Take care,
Asterios

1:

I hear shouting in the hallway at work. A man yells, "No, just drop it, it's ok, JUST BREAK IT!!!"

Assuming someone needs help moving something, I go across the hall. The door's open, and there's a trash can, a large man and a terrified looking woman.

"Can I help you guys?"

"Yeah, you can help by GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!"

I assume this woman's in danger.

"I'm in the hallway, this is public space. I'm not moving."

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"No."

He raises his fist and I think, "Shit, I'm finally going to find out what it feels like to get punched in the face." He doesn't hit me.

"IF YOU DON'T MOVE, I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!"

"Miss, are you alright?"

"I'M THE LANDLORD! YOU ARE TRESPASSING, GET OUT OF HERE!"

I call the cops. Turns out he's not the landlord, his mother in law is, but she knows he's crazy so she doesn't do anything. We still see each other every few weeks and look past each other.

This was last November.

2:

In front of the UCB theater after a sketch cram, an angry, angry preppie in his 30's walks up to a group of us:

"If you see that kid, tell him I'm gonna shake him! And if you don't, I'll shake all five of you!"

There was a woman with us, so I think, "Oh wow, even though that threat doesn't make much sense, I don't like this."

"Sir, what's the matter?"

"I'll tell you what's the matter, a kid from in there spilled cooler water near my car!!!"

I know I shouldn't say this next thing, but I do.

"But sir, what happens to your car when it rains?"

He does the Biff Tannen laugh. The, "Oh, you did not just say that" thing bullies do.

"Do you know who I am? I've been in the Octagon, I'm an Ultimate Fighter."

Ah, shit, I think. I'm dead.

"Have you ever been in the Octagon?"

"No, but I know it's not alright to threaten people."

He starts punching himself in the face, as if to say, "I'm so tough, I can even take my own punches."

He then takes his shirt off, and he's ripped, and he points to the ground.

"What are you pointing at?"

I know what he's pointing at. He wants me to step forward and fight him. I'm just being a dick because I know I'm dead already.

He points two more times. I go "You can keep pointing all night, I'm not gonna fight you. You totally threatened that guy."

He shoves me, and I fly back, but try and snap myself back into my original position. His buddy from behind him goes,

"Hey, we gotta get out of here, man, I'm on parole."

"Well I'm not!" says the Ultimate Fighter. He turns to me, "Look at you, standing there in your glasses and your dumb jacket."

"Look at you standing there in your shitty jeans!"

"These are DIESEL jeans!"

(He really did yell that last part.)

Pretty soon they get into his buddy's car, but not before he asks me my name.

"Asterios Kokkinos," I reply.

"You're not even from here!"

"I'm from New York!"

"Whatever, fagbadger." And they drive off.

I still don't know what a fagbadger is.

3 & 4:

I'm actually pretty exhausted now as I write this. I'm all panicky and spazzy just reliving these old memories. I'm writing this in the first place because three days ago, I finally moved out of my apartment, away from meth-head my neighbor who called me a "Cheeseburger Eating Faggot" and threatened to have her son and brother beat me up.

It's twelve forty five, and the rental manager's supposed to sign the lease over to a new couple. He's forty five minutes late, and we've got a U-Haul rented.

Long story short, I'm in an argument with the building manager.

(Thuggish British accent) "I don't have to tell you where he is! That's my business where he is!"

"Well, it's my business too, I've got this poor couple down here waiting to move into a new apartment!"

"Oh, they're not a poor couple..."

"The guy you sent down here to take care of the paperwork just looked around and left, and he was clearly drunk!"

"He wasn't drunk! Y'know, for mouthing off to me you fucking asshole, your administrative fee to transfer the lease just doubled!"

"Where's the rental manager?"

"It just doubled, thanks to you, see how much higher you get it you fucking prick!"

"Where's Tom, where's the rental manager? You're just upset because you don't know where he is."

"You're in violation of your lease! You can kiss your security deposit goodbye!"

"How am I in violation of my lease?"

"I don't have to tell you that you fucking motherfucker."

"That's because you know I'm not. Look, why don't you come down here and bring some papers."

"Are you threatening me?! Are you threatening me?! I'm not afraid of you, you come down here anytime and face me, I'm here until 8pm!"

Oh god, I'm never getting out of this apartment.

He tells me that he's going to order the rental manager to terminate all communication with me, and hangs up. Long story short, me and one of the new tenants hop in my car and speed down to the rental manager's office, who was sleeping on the couch. We wake him up, he hands us the papers, he drops then quickly hides a baggie of cocaine, we all sign the papers at the terms agreed to before the building manager exploded. Now I'm living in Whittier.

They've got 21 days to return my security deposit or I take them to small claims court. I hope I get my money back. I could sure as hell use it.

Epilogue:

Am I the only one who routinely gets threatened? Why does it seem like that to me? I never hear stories of my friends or family getting into these situations. What's happening here?

new.presidentbaby.com is born, and all rejoice!

www.presidentbaby.com, what we call the "classic" site, is still up for those who want to fondly reminisce.

new.presidentbaby.com is like the buzz lightyear to woody's www.presidentbaby.com. they are now good friends. there is no rivalry. new.presidentbaby.com recently saved www.presidentbaby.com by breaking into al's toy barn. it was a sight to see.

I urge you, for your family's safety, to visit presidentbaby.com

following in the footsteps of luther & nora krank, i have decided to take all of september off! (while still going to work every day)

why? because i'm starting up a new t-shirt company with megan, and i need the time to get all the designs ready. i bought a 300 dollar t-shirt press, which is pretty awesome. it looks like this:



(and yes i will be using it to make mariah carey t-shirts).

the other thing we'll be doing with the month off is starting up a new comedy site. i'd rather show you what it's about than tell you so I don't wanna talk about it, but if you've been to any of my live shows recently you'll know what it's based around.

finally, we're starting up a new blog about saving money in LA.

that's about it for right now. see you guys in october!

-asterios

yeah, we get it, she's attractive. quit calling her a milf. the whole point of putting palin on the ticket was to highlight alleged sexism in the democratic nominating process, and now we're gonna go around posting photos of her wearing short skirts and her old beauty queen shots.

what the hell do you think is gonna happen if we act like fratboys here?

if you're looking to attack palin, attack her for being against a woman's right to choose. attack her for claiming that global warming isn't manmade. attack her for going onto an alaskan conservative radio show and laughing when the DJ called a cancer survivor "a cancer on alaska" and "a bitch". but don't attack her for having the temerity to be attractive.

look at what happens when you do a google image search for "sarah palin":



first up, a photoshopped image of her as a cover model. fourth, a photo of her from her younger days as a beauty queen. eighth, a drawing of a girl bending over. ninth, a photo of her as a beauty juxtaposed with a photo of her now, as if to say, "is there any difference?"

unless democrats stand up and stamp this crap out, we're going to lose the moral high ground when it comes to social equality. we can't fight for equality when it serves our political purposes and paint a woman as an airhead when it doesn't.

I ordered some CD cases from Staples. Here's the packing slip:



And here's the purchase order number:



Asterios Kokkinos, you got Punk'd!

This is one of the things Megan got me for my birthday. It's pretty goddamn awesome.

He loves you. So much, in fact, that you can follow the progress of the Skrull invasion on Twitter!

I've been away from updating everything for a while - mostly because when I stay with Megan in Whittier I can't get to the internet easily. But hey, new stuff coming soon.

Also:


That is terrible. Bring back those cakes!

Click below to hear, in glorious 100% audio!

http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2008/07/25/comics/

Anything you want to add? Email asterios.kokkinos@gmail.com - additions will go atop each section, updates going out every few days! CJ JOHNSON IS ALSO SELLING SOME STUFF & GIVING STUFF AWAY FOR YOU MASSACHUSETTS PEOPLE!

OFFERING JOBS:

Adam Colman (The Scene): High level talent client seeking driver ASAP. Drop offs and pickups will be scheduled within the working week (M-F) and the client's car will be used to start. Someone that lives on the west side will be the best match due to early mornings and late nights. Must be trustworthy, personable, and reliable. $400/week on payroll, no benefits. jkbuddle@gmail.com

Rachael Drummond (Trophy Wife): If anyone is looking to be a server or greeter at a Houston's owned restaurant I know Gulfstream at Century City (where I work now) is hiring and also Cafe R&D is opening on Montana in Santa monica. People can call Gulfstream for more info on both restaurants at 310-553-3636.

NEEDS A JOB:

Rachael Drummond (Trophy Wife): I'm actually looking for a job as a server or a back-server at a fine-dining restaurant. Thanks Asterios! rachdrum@gmail.com

Erin Condron (Traction Magazine) - I'm looking for anything but my past experience has been as a grant administrator, personal assistant, political assistant, office manager, data entry-ist, copywriter, editor, journalist and proofreader. I'm also the Associate Editor of an online magazine. Like I said, I'll take anything at this point. My regular email is eicondron@gmail.com. Thanks thanks thanks!

Rob Delaney (Stand-up): I need a job. I have huge experience in advertising/marketing, my specialty being the internet. I also can move heavy things because I'm very large and strong. I'm a writer too of all things funny, from jokes to screenplays, if anyone on your list cares. Thanks! See you soon. Love, Rob - robdelaney@gmail.com

Paul Jay (Stand-up): Put me on the list for "needs a job". I can do data entry, transcribing, captioning, proofreading, writing, editing, delivery driving, acting, oral sex, standin, or any combination of the above. http://www.myspace.com/pauljay

Joe Stapelton (Radio Comic): Joe Stapleton - seeking employment! Full or part time. Production Coordinator/Associate Producer/Development/Web Producer - 4 years experience as Coordinator at MADtv, moderate success as internet web-serial writer/producer/podcaster. joeystapleton@hotmail.com

Gerald Christoff (My Naked Friends) - Something in the business (PA, writer's assistant, etc) would be great, but right now, but anything that paid me 500-600 bucks a week would work. I have experience in the personal assistant and talent management fields. Thanks. geraldchristoff@hotmail.com

Matt Manser (Stand-up) - I'm looking for a job that pays to write comedy! manserm@gmail.com

SEEKING APARTMENTS/ROOMMATES

Joe Stapleton (Radio Comic) : Also looking for 2-3 bedroom apartments in Sherman Oaks or Hollywood in the $1500-$2300 range. joeystapleton@hotmail.com

Matthew Roop-Kharasch (Funbox Comedy): Our roommate plan fell through. We need a roommate who can move in sometime mid-August. Non-smoker, not a deadbeat and not too messy. Great apartment split-level townhouse style 2 1..2 bathrooms (bedroom that is available has it's own full bathroom). Nice location (Sherman oaks) Assigned parking. $800 a month plus security deposit. - mattroopk@gmail.com

John Matthews (Bake Sale): I'm still looking for another roommate - $600/mo 3 Bed, 2 Bath - Looking for someone who is easy to get along with and who is considerate of his/her roommates. We're two writers with day jobs trying to make it in the entertainment business. There is a pool, weight room, and laundry facilities in the complex. Your bathroom would be shared with one other person (It's a guy, but he's clean, ladies.) Street parking is available. Smoking is only allowed outside. The home is newly remodeled with new carpet, new paint, new blinds among other things. No dogs or cats. We are also looking for someone who will want to be around for at least a year and who is comfortable signing a year lease. If interested, drop me an email or give me a call: lunybin@hotmail.com, 310-800-3515

SELLING ITEMS:

Eric Flipikowski (Hollywood Phony): 2.8 Ghz dual core Dell with 2 gigs of ram, a 250 gig hard drive, a firewire card, built-in card reader, 19" lcd monitor and a fresh install of windows xp media center. 40 gig zune included. $400 dollars. efilipkowski@yahoo.com

Olivia Hook (I'm selling my copy of Logic Pro Studio. It's near new -- I only downloaded some of the software and all the books, manuals, etc are brand new. I still have all the original packaging, sans the shrink rap. $400 - http://www.myspace.com/oh_livy_ya

CJ Johnson (Writer in Massachusetts): We're selling most of our furniture and home goods. I don't have a full list yet, but there's definitely several bookshelves of various sizes and designs, a poker table, some desk chairs, some folding chairs, micro and toaster oven (although those won't go until the end of August), a fairly large wood desk, metal filing cabinet, a shisha pipe, a 6 drawer dresser, and some other assorted odds and ends. We're not shipping anything anywhere, but if somebody wants any of these things (or needs something and wants to ask if we're selling it) that'd be cool. http://www.myspace.com/siegejohnson "

Jenny Purple (Bush Twins Hour): Hey! I'm selling the following furniture & electronics - email me at jennypurple@yahoo.com.

HP psc 2200 series all-in-one Printer/Fax/Copier - $25
2 Bose speakers- $100 for both
Stereo Receiver and tape deck set- $50
DVD player- $50
VCR(only 2 yrs old)- $25
Hoover TurboPower 1500- $25
Black leather couch and love seat set- $500
Modern chic faux suede green chairs (2)- $100 for both
Wood coffee table with black metal frame- $75
3 off white stand up drawers (perfect for a small closet) $10 each
TV stand with shelves- $25
Wood Bookshelf- $15
Coat rack with umbrella stand- $65
Wood End table with drawer - $30
Mirror with elegant wood frame- $50

FREE ITEMS:

CJ Johnson (Writer): We need to find a new home for our turtle, Krik, because we're moving out of Massachusetts in September and can't take him along. He's a 4-year-old, 8 inch red-eared slider (who WILL grow more--apparently they can grow to have a 12inch shell) and comes with his 70 gallon aquarium, rocks, filter, lights, and whatever food he has left at the time. He's not a pet you can really play with or cuddle--he mostly swims around or basks on his rocks--but he's quiet, a good conversation piece, and great for apartments that aren't conducive to free-roaming pets. I would really like to make sure we find someone nice and don't have to resort to advertising on Craig's list or something. http://www.myspace.com/siegejohnson"

Yes, Asterios' list, the list I compile every once in a while for my friends. So if you're looking for (or offering) a job, apartment, car, or anything else, email me at asterios.kokkinos@gmail.com. I'll put your needs or haves into a big list, send that list out to everyone, and bingo, you're rich!

Liberal cartoonist Tom Tomorrow is pretty unfunny. To prove this, I went to his archive and clicked on a random link to a cartoon, assuming the result would be unfunny:



And I Was Right! All Tomorrow does is complain about conservative tactics in a really one dimensional way, and it's boring.

However, this piece he wrote on the Huffington Post about the Obama/New Yorker cover is pretty fantastic:

SATIRE BY THE BOOK, by Tom Tomorrow

"The internets are full of declarative statements about satire these days, the most common of which being that "satire does not work unless it portrays its intended target."

So let's consider this image:



Clearly this cartoon doesn't work at all, because there is no way for the reader to understand that its intended target was not Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden themselves. So let's see what we can do to clarify things:



That makes the intention of the cartoon clearer -- but there's still room for improvement.



There! That's much better! But maybe, just to be safe, we should take it one step further:



Okay then! With no room for misinterpretation whatsoever -- that's comedy gold!

Remember: satire does not work unless it literally portrays the intended target!"

Hey everyone,

So what the hell, I'm having 200 dollars worth of stuff done to my car. This is after my 8th trip to Jiffy Lube where they were like, "Seriously, you need to change your transmission fluid. You've got chunks of Snickers floating in it for some reason. Please, we will pay you to let us change this."

So what the hell. BTW, right now at the Jiffy Lube on Melrose and La Brea they have what they call, "Crazy Tuesdays & Thursdays!" That means 13 dollars off an oil change. The people changing my oil seem pretty sane. It's actually pretty boring here. That's what I want at a Jiffy Lube. I'm not down here to be entertained by antics, I just want my tires rotated, please.

There's a little CCTV monitor where you can watch the guys work on your car. I feel bad for them, but at the same time, it's like watch a TV show where my 2003 Hyundai Sonata's the star! Is my Sonata a beleaguered straight man, trapped in a wacky office, a la "Working"?



I like to believe my car's a sage everyman, dispensing pearls of wisdom with every cup of coffee. The show'd be about a new girl who moves to the city hoping for love, and she'd go to my car at the 22 minute mark* of each episode for advice, and he'd say, "HOOOOOOONK!" And she'd go, "Honk...honk, of course!" Then she'd run out of the coffee shop, and my car would go, "What, no tip?"

Then, in the final scene, SHE'S wearing clown makeup, too! See, they weren't that different.

My life's completely changed in the past year. I've done everything I can to lose weight short of trying very hard, and it's sorta worked! Whatever, I'll take it. Also, I became a vegetarian.

I never told anyone the story of how I became a vegetarian, but here goes: one week three months ago I was working so hard that I ate nothing but tofu and broccoli from the thai place down the street. At the end of that week I realized, "Wow, I didn't eat meat all week. I guess I don't really need it."

Global warming's the reason I'm staying a vegetarian. Animals can go to hell (you can quote me on that), but we're clearing a ton of land for cows, which has two problems. A) we need those trees and such to mop up carbon dioxide, and B) cows pollute like crazy. They release a ton of methane. So there you go.

Alright, my car's done. See you guys at work.

*including commercials. TRT 30 minutes

These are setlists from "Comics & Comics, a stand-up show I've had the pleasure of being booked twice at Meltdown Comics. It's run by Tom Franck, and past comics have included Karl Hess, Robert Yasumura, Hugh Moore, Paul Malewitz and more.

These have been some of most fun shows I've done in Los Angeles. In addition to the fact that the show's free, and that you can pick up comics before the show, there's no geek topic that's off limits. In the last two shows I've talked about nanoplagues, Cable, Jeph Loeb's "The Ultimates" & the episode of ST:TNG where Riker tried to hide that phasing cloak from Picard. That's pretty much my definition of a good time.

For these last two shows I've shown up early, bought some comics, then written out a whole new set on the brown comics bag. I don't think these are all that legible, but I do think they look cool.

Second set (Saturday, June 30th)



First set (Wednesday, June 4th)

My friend John Ford is organizing a screening of "The Love Guru" tonight at the Arclight. Unfortunately I won't be able to attend, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go! It stars Mike Myers (SNL, "Wayne's World"), and it's sure to be a blast.

Click here to buy tickets for "The Love Guru"!

Here is a synopsis for "The Love Guru":

Pitka is an American who was left at the gates of an ashram in India as a child and raised by gurus. He moves back to the U.S. to seek fame and fortune in the world of self-help and spirituality. His unorthodox methods are put to the test when he must settle a rift between Toronto Maple Leafs star hockey player Darren Roanoke and his estranged wife. After the split, Roanoke's wife starts dating L.A. Kings star Jacques Grande out of revenge, sending her husband into a major professional skid. Pitka must return the couple to marital nirvana and get Roanoke back on his game so the team can break the 40-year-old "Bullard Curse" and win the Stanley Cup.

This isn't merely a bad film, but a painful experience that you keep telling yourself to leave. However, I have a very strong belief in witnessing the terror. People had to survive the Holocaust to hold those responsible, responsible. This film isn't as bad as the Holocaust. Nothing could be. But in the realm of film going experiences - it's a third trimester abortion. It is a pregnant woman smoking a cigarette and drinking a Coors Light.

-Harry Knowles