Asterios Kokkinos' Journal

Cat Fashions: If you die, you'll never get to see how this thread ends. Chew on that for a while.

Anmitzcuaca: If you die you will never see the Arrested Development movie.

Bruiser: Stargate Universe Crew checking in to say don't die and this show blows

Kal-L: Poster from Mexico here. If you come here we can have some beers at the beach dude. I also have a couch that turns into a bed.

ChettButtsman: Don't be a dick.

IM DAY DAY IRL: Yo if you choose life i will send you a mini optical mouse with retractable usb cord for easy storage hit me up when this crazy shit is all over I live in utah.

Brian Encino Man: If you call an ambulance I'll buy you a hotdog and a ticket to disneyland.

Imonfireahhhh: Think about how much it would suck if the Christians are right.

DeYoung: My kids just made some awesome pictures for you and even signed them! I will post them if you dial 911.

Short version: Help support poor working farmers! Donate $10-$25 dollars to the Student Farmworker Alliance, forward your receipt to asterios.kokkinos@gmail.com and I'll send you my digital book, 100 Sketches For 100 Fans (in 100 Days)! If you donate over $25 you'll get MP3 Digital Downloads of every sketch, personally recorded by me and my comedy buddies!


Long version: For those who don't know what 100 Sketches for 100 Fans is, it's pretty simple: I put out a call to people who've told me they've liked my comedy, and told them that if they wanted, they could have a personal sketch. The rules were that each person gets one sketch.

And now? GAME CHANGER! One small charitable donation, from anyone, nets that person the book of all 100 sketches!

Donate $10-$25 dollars to the Student Farmworker Alliance, whatever you can afford, and I'll send you an e-book of 100 Sketches For 100 Fans (In 100 Days). Your book will be password protected and each book will be uniquely coded so no one password can open any other book.

Donate $25-$50 dollars and you get a MP3 Digital Download of every single sketch! Me and my comedy buddies are recording all 100 sketches, and if you pony up, you get all of them! Here's a sample MP3.

Finally, for $50-$100 dollars, you get Dinner With Me, Asterios Kokkinos. You need to buy the dinner, though, as I'm very very poor. Also please do it close to my house so I don't waste gas. I don't expect many people will go for this one.

The Student Farmworker Alliance is one of the most effective advocacy groups in the nation. A registered 501(c)3, the SFA has successfully waged campaigns to improve the working conditions of farm workers for McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell and many more.

So donate! Visit www.sfalliance.org/sustainer.html, then forward the receipt from your donation to asterios.kokkinos@gmail.com. On December 26th you'll unwrap the gift of a lifetime - digitally transfered comedy!

Click here to see the list of comics up on the auction block - or copy & paste:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=tFsE-i53i2FK8l--gmFlDgg&single=true&gid=0&output=html

Auction will launch soon. Will provide link to auction site where you can bid. For now, check out the non-comic auction items at http://auctions.readysetauction.com/pcda/catalog/view - every comic you buy counts as a tax-deductible donation to the Pasadena Child Development Associates, a group that provides services to Autistic children in Los Angeles. None of this money goes to me because I am stupid.

Highlights include:

• Full Run of Bendis' Alias + The Pulse (which was Alias without nudity)
• Full Run of Bendis' Avengers (Avengers Disassembled to New Avengers to Mighty Avengers, with some Dark Avngers & Slott's Mighty Avengers thrown in, why not)
• A Shitload of Ultimate Spider Man
• Amazing Spider Man #37/478-#541 (Missing #51, #52, #503, #504, #505, #521, #525-#529) Includes the issue where Aunt May finds out PP is SM, hahahah just kidding that got retconned.
• Full Run of Stracynski's Squadron Supreme Work (Full run on Supreme Power, Squadron Supreme 1-7 & Supreme Power: Hyperion #1)
• Full Run of Nextwave (#1-11, #8's missing but #8 probably sucked)
• Full Run of Civil War & Civil War: Frontline (Frontline was the better series) + The Confession & The Initative
• Full Run of Ultimates 2 & Ultimates 2 Annual #1
• Full Run of Identity Crisis
• Ultimate Fantastic Four #1-36 (Missing issue #2 but it's around here somewhere) & Annual #1
• Ultimate Iron Man #1-5
• Ultimate Six #1-7 (#5 is missing and presumed dead)
• Ultimate Gah-Lak-Tus Pack: Ultimate Nightmare #1-5, Ultimate Secred #3 & Ultimate Extinction #1-5
• All Star Superman #1-#7 (And I'll throw in All Star Batman #1, which SUUUUUCKS)
• Ex Machina #12-29 & #39-43, + Specials #1, #2, #4 & "Inside The Machine"
• Green Lantern Rebirth #1-4 & A Signed & Numbered by Geoff Johns Darkest Night #1
• Powers (Icon) #1, #3, #4, #6-#10, #15, #17-24 + Powers (Image) #24 & #25
• Five Of The Last Six Issues Of Rising Stars (Missing #21)
• More X-Statix Than I Remembered Owning
• MUCH MUCH MORE!

Following in the footsteps of the Black Eyed Peas, John Legend & Prince, media misanthropes Eric Larnick and Louie Falcetti have jointly announced that all future comedy releases will exclusively released through LiveJournal.

"The fact that nobody thinks this place is cool anymore makes it cooler than ever," said Falcetti, while berating a customer for renting season 2 of M*A*S*H*. "It's the perfect repository for my rage."

"Those other sites are too annoying," said Eric Larnick, while correcting a wikipedia entry on The Adventures of Pete & Pete. "I don't care about the mafia, or their wars. I just want to write about about how the stars look so distant, so lonely...like a night surfer alone on the beach, looking for the perfect wave."

In another state at the exact same time, John Ford proceeded to throw a half eaten bag of chips out the window of a moving car.

Said Ford, "They weren't as salty as I'd hoped."

OBAMA: Good morning, and welcome back to school. I'd like to thank your teachers and principals for taking time out of their busy schedules for this video, and to all of you who decided to attend. We stand on the precipice of a new generation, a tough generation. We can no longer count on history alone to define America's greatness - we'll have to do it ourselves, everyday, though hard work, and studying, and yes, reading those chapters your teacher assigned you. But I believe that we can do it together, we can make sure our friends don't slip through the cracks, and you all can lead us all to a brighter tomorrow. Now, without any further ado, please swallow the packets of vitamins your teachers handed out to you.

That's right, drink the blue solution too.

Alright, now everybody take a few deep breaths.

Ok, it's gonna be ok.

* * * *

FOOLISH EARTHLINGS! I AM KLIEV-KLORG, OF GALAXY ELEVEN!

Your conservative talk show hosts and elderly parents were right - I was not to be trusted! Now it is too late - your children's minds are mine! If only you had listened to the warnings of those who sought proof of my citizenship!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah!

[[**Begin Child-Mind Devour Process. Child-Minds 18% devoured...65% devoured...%100,000…devoured…**]]

And now, to use the minds energies of your children...to provide UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!!!

(Lightening strikes! The end?)

The only way to end this war is to use the atomic bomb, President Jerry thought. He also said it:

"The only way to end this war is to use the atomic bomb. I was taught never to make war by killing women and children, but fuck that. We're gonna do it and it's gonna be awesome. But, after we win the war, a price needs to be paid to shame the world into never doing this again. So after I bomb the fucking hell out of that country and their damn mineretchets, you've gotta hang me in front of the Lincoln Memorial."

"No, we're not going to do that, but you're going to give us permission to go nuclear, Sir."

WHOA! What the hell, man? President Jerry tucked his tie back into his jacket.

"I'm sorry, Admiral, but that sounded alot like somebody telling the President what to do."

"It's what one friend tells another to do when that first friend tells the second of the two friends to murder him."

Admiral Kolkowski stood up, straightening his dress blues. Because they were just at a dinner party, he had to wear all his ribbons and medals, and now they're all still on and he feels great about this. Finally, an excuse to wear these around. Do you know how fucking hard it is to get these goddamn medals? They don't hand these out like little league trophies, especially this heart shaped purple one.

Then he stared at the President awhile, who stared back. Then the President spoke. The President looks kinda like Alan Alda, I guess:

"Well, regardless, it's a great idea. Think about it. The political price for using a nuclear bomb will be that country's leader, literally, hanging for it. That says to the world, "If you're not ready to dangle, you're not ready to tangle, with NUKES!"

"Or, you do it. You do it and and everybody thinks it's a good idea, because it is. And you get called a hero who made a tough choice. And history remembers you well."

"Bullshit."

"My best bullshit, Mr. President. There are laws against murder, you don't get to break them just because you're upset."

"Well, I'm about to say something else. Agents, please escort the Admiral from the room."

IN YOUR FACE! President Jerry one, everyone else, zero. That's the best part about being President, you can pretty much win any argument at all. This must be what poor people feel like when they hold guns, Jerry thought.

(They dragged the Admiral out of the room. The whole time he was screaming stuff.)

The director from the media pool camera assigned to record the President's address yells 30 seconds live!

27 seconds live.

23 seconds live.

19 seconds live.

17 seconds live and, holy shit, Secret Service agent Pat Glisker has shot a hole straight through the camera.

"You've got 15 seconds to tell your anchors you're having technical difficulties."

This was no time for the director from the media pool camera, whose name is Steve, to be a jagoff. He tapped his fingers on his bald head.

"I'm going to tell them that you shot the camera, Agent Glisker."

"Well, you could, but I think that was an accidental discharge. I'm really sorry about it."

"Steve, as a favor to me, could you tell them technical difficulties? After this is over I'll give you an exclusive on my hanging."

Steve immediately called the rest of the pool and told them about the ridiculous technical difficulties. He was so so embarrassed. His crew is even more embarrassed, he says, because of how unprofessional they're all acting. I think we gotta lose this crew. These crewpeople are lame-os.

***

The President and his chief of security looked at each other, each scared out of their mind. Oh god, they each thought, I'm going to die.

"Mr. President, the laws of this country demand that I not let you die. If you want, I can arrest you for treason, but there's no way you're killing yourself like some kind of gigantic communion wafer we all get to eat and then we all feel better because you had to bomb an entire capital. Of Iran, by the way, so who cares. You give them a week to evacuate the city and then you bomb the hell out of it. Nobody has to die!"

"Agent Glisker, I'm going to ask you for your gun."

"If I provide you with a gun, and you use that gun to break the law, then I'm an accessory to that crime. So actually, you're under arrest for attempting to posses a firearm without a certificate of training."

Here's a drawing of the room. I'd describe it to you, but I was there that night, and I'm very, very lazy. I'm one of the two characters who look like a pencil.



That map symbol in the upper right hand corner is the President's wife, who I tried to represent with a bow, like with Ms. Pac Man. As you can see that didn't work.

God it took forever to put that picture there. I had to scan it then upload it to a flickr account. Jesus. I'll finish this story tomorrow.

I'm back. In full attack. Never give in until they crack! EMERRRRRRRR-GENCY! EMERRERRERRERR- EMER-GENCY!

Here's notes I'm working up for a short story. Read it! Unless you're afraid of being entertained?!

( Read more... )

While browsing the forums for the amazing user driven web comic "MS Paint Adventures", I found the above drawing.

My question to you, the internet audience: was this drawn poorly as a joke, or was this the artists best attempt? Please show your work. Best answer gets a DVD of something sent to them in the mail from me! (What DVD? I don't know yet. But it will be good!)

A visit from his long lost half brother Count Chocula annoys the hell out of Count Dracula! Will he get the girl? (played by the HOT Emily Maya Mills) Also starring Chad Fogland as Dracula & Asterios Kokkinos as Chocula.

Click here & Digg "Dracula vs. Chocula"!

Recently, the radio show Two Jacks in the Hole sent me to the Hollywood Pitchfest with some hidden recording equipment.

The Hollywood Pitchfest is a two day event where aspiring screenwriters can pitch to industry executives through a series of five-minute meetings. Sounds great, right? Well, it only has three problems:

1) No executives actually show up (only interns and assistants).

2) The event costs $420 (in addition to the hundreds people spend to fly & stay in hotels. I met people from as far away as Massachusetts, Tennessee and Canada.)

3) None of these movies ever get made. Some films get optioned, some people find managers, but not one film has gone from the Hollywood Pitchfest to a theater near you.

I didn't know the extent of the scam at first - I was sent to pitch the worst movies of all time to executives to see if how they'd react. If they said films like "President Baby" were stupid and dismissed them, then I'd be wrong. If they just nodded and smiled, it'd tell me they were only interested in getting me out of there as quickly as possible so they could get back to the free lunch buffet.

The results were insane. Here's a clip. For more info on all this, you can visit www.presidentbaby.com. Please check it out and leave a comment in our feedback section!

Pitch 5 - Folds In Space Time, President Baby & Metal Man

Take care,
Asterios

1:

I hear shouting in the hallway at work. A man yells, "No, just drop it, it's ok, JUST BREAK IT!!!"

Assuming someone needs help moving something, I go across the hall. The door's open, and there's a trash can, a large man and a terrified looking woman.

"Can I help you guys?"

"Yeah, you can help by GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!"

I assume this woman's in danger.

"I'm in the hallway, this is public space. I'm not moving."

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"No."

He raises his fist and I think, "Shit, I'm finally going to find out what it feels like to get punched in the face." He doesn't hit me.

"IF YOU DON'T MOVE, I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!"

"Miss, are you alright?"

"I'M THE LANDLORD! YOU ARE TRESPASSING, GET OUT OF HERE!"

I call the cops. Turns out he's not the landlord, his mother in law is, but she knows he's crazy so she doesn't do anything. We still see each other every few weeks and look past each other.

This was last November.

2:

In front of the UCB theater after a sketch cram, an angry, angry preppie in his 30's walks up to a group of us:

"If you see that kid, tell him I'm gonna shake him! And if you don't, I'll shake all five of you!"

There was a woman with us, so I think, "Oh wow, even though that threat doesn't make much sense, I don't like this."

"Sir, what's the matter?"

"I'll tell you what's the matter, a kid from in there spilled cooler water near my car!!!"

I know I shouldn't say this next thing, but I do.

"But sir, what happens to your car when it rains?"

He does the Biff Tannen laugh. The, "Oh, you did not just say that" thing bullies do.

"Do you know who I am? I've been in the Octagon, I'm an Ultimate Fighter."

Ah, shit, I think. I'm dead.

"Have you ever been in the Octagon?"

"No, but I know it's not alright to threaten people."

He starts punching himself in the face, as if to say, "I'm so tough, I can even take my own punches."

He then takes his shirt off, and he's ripped, and he points to the ground.

"What are you pointing at?"

I know what he's pointing at. He wants me to step forward and fight him. I'm just being a dick because I know I'm dead already.

He points two more times. I go "You can keep pointing all night, I'm not gonna fight you. You totally threatened that guy."

He shoves me, and I fly back, but try and snap myself back into my original position. His buddy from behind him goes,

"Hey, we gotta get out of here, man, I'm on parole."

"Well I'm not!" says the Ultimate Fighter. He turns to me, "Look at you, standing there in your glasses and your dumb jacket."

"Look at you standing there in your shitty jeans!"

"These are DIESEL jeans!"

(He really did yell that last part.)

Pretty soon they get into his buddy's car, but not before he asks me my name.

"Asterios Kokkinos," I reply.

"You're not even from here!"

"I'm from New York!"

"Whatever, fagbadger." And they drive off.

I still don't know what a fagbadger is.

3 & 4:

I'm actually pretty exhausted now as I write this. I'm all panicky and spazzy just reliving these old memories. I'm writing this in the first place because three days ago, I finally moved out of my apartment, away from meth-head my neighbor who called me a "Cheeseburger Eating Faggot" and threatened to have her son and brother beat me up.

It's twelve forty five, and the rental manager's supposed to sign the lease over to a new couple. He's forty five minutes late, and we've got a U-Haul rented.

Long story short, I'm in an argument with the building manager.

(Thuggish British accent) "I don't have to tell you where he is! That's my business where he is!"

"Well, it's my business too, I've got this poor couple down here waiting to move into a new apartment!"

"Oh, they're not a poor couple..."

"The guy you sent down here to take care of the paperwork just looked around and left, and he was clearly drunk!"

"He wasn't drunk! Y'know, for mouthing off to me you fucking asshole, your administrative fee to transfer the lease just doubled!"

"Where's the rental manager?"

"It just doubled, thanks to you, see how much higher you get it you fucking prick!"

"Where's Tom, where's the rental manager? You're just upset because you don't know where he is."

"You're in violation of your lease! You can kiss your security deposit goodbye!"

"How am I in violation of my lease?"

"I don't have to tell you that you fucking motherfucker."

"That's because you know I'm not. Look, why don't you come down here and bring some papers."

"Are you threatening me?! Are you threatening me?! I'm not afraid of you, you come down here anytime and face me, I'm here until 8pm!"

Oh god, I'm never getting out of this apartment.

He tells me that he's going to order the rental manager to terminate all communication with me, and hangs up. Long story short, me and one of the new tenants hop in my car and speed down to the rental manager's office, who was sleeping on the couch. We wake him up, he hands us the papers, he drops then quickly hides a baggie of cocaine, we all sign the papers at the terms agreed to before the building manager exploded. Now I'm living in Whittier.

They've got 21 days to return my security deposit or I take them to small claims court. I hope I get my money back. I could sure as hell use it.

Epilogue:

Am I the only one who routinely gets threatened? Why does it seem like that to me? I never hear stories of my friends or family getting into these situations. What's happening here?

new.presidentbaby.com is born, and all rejoice!

www.presidentbaby.com, what we call the "classic" site, is still up for those who want to fondly reminisce.

new.presidentbaby.com is like the buzz lightyear to woody's www.presidentbaby.com. they are now good friends. there is no rivalry. new.presidentbaby.com recently saved www.presidentbaby.com by breaking into al's toy barn. it was a sight to see.

I urge you, for your family's safety, to visit presidentbaby.com

following in the footsteps of luther & nora krank, i have decided to take all of september off! (while still going to work every day)

why? because i'm starting up a new t-shirt company with megan, and i need the time to get all the designs ready. i bought a 300 dollar t-shirt press, which is pretty awesome. it looks like this:



(and yes i will be using it to make mariah carey t-shirts).

the other thing we'll be doing with the month off is starting up a new comedy site. i'd rather show you what it's about than tell you so I don't wanna talk about it, but if you've been to any of my live shows recently you'll know what it's based around.

finally, we're starting up a new blog about saving money in LA.

that's about it for right now. see you guys in october!

-asterios

yeah, we get it, she's attractive. quit calling her a milf. the whole point of putting palin on the ticket was to highlight alleged sexism in the democratic nominating process, and now we're gonna go around posting photos of her wearing short skirts and her old beauty queen shots.

what the hell do you think is gonna happen if we act like fratboys here?

if you're looking to attack palin, attack her for being against a woman's right to choose. attack her for claiming that global warming isn't manmade. attack her for going onto an alaskan conservative radio show and laughing when the DJ called a cancer survivor "a cancer on alaska" and "a bitch". but don't attack her for having the temerity to be attractive.

look at what happens when you do a google image search for "sarah palin":



first up, a photoshopped image of her as a cover model. fourth, a photo of her from her younger days as a beauty queen. eighth, a drawing of a girl bending over. ninth, a photo of her as a beauty juxtaposed with a photo of her now, as if to say, "is there any difference?"

unless democrats stand up and stamp this crap out, we're going to lose the moral high ground when it comes to social equality. we can't fight for equality when it serves our political purposes and paint a woman as an airhead when it doesn't.

I ordered some CD cases from Staples. Here's the packing slip:



And here's the purchase order number:



Asterios Kokkinos, you got Punk'd!

This is one of the things Megan got me for my birthday. It's pretty goddamn awesome.

He loves you. So much, in fact, that you can follow the progress of the Skrull invasion on Twitter!

I've been away from updating everything for a while - mostly because when I stay with Megan in Whittier I can't get to the internet easily. But hey, new stuff coming soon.

Also:


That is terrible. Bring back those cakes!

Click below to hear, in glorious 100% audio!

http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2008/07/25/comics/